Monday, March 10, 2008

Local Man on Search for L.H.O.O.Q.-Alike

Mustache Fetish Triggers Impossible Quest
By Ralph Dollinger

Montclair, NJ

As a child, Langdon Roberts was a major art fan. He would attend various poster stores and mall picture kiosks every Sunday with his mother Sherrie.

“I happened upon a Marcel Duchamp section at the local Hobby Lobby one lucky Sunday. I was amazed at his anti-art”, reminisces Roberts.

One piece buried itself so deep in his subconscious that it has yet to be psychoanalyzed. That certain piece was his wry commentary on Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” entitled “L.H.O.O.Q.” It was one of Duchamp’s early “readymades”, created in 1919. Duchamp basically took a print of the painting and simply applied a comical mustache upon Mona's lips.

“The next day, Langdon snipped some hair from our kitty ‘Nips’”, explains Sherrie, “attached it to some double sided tape and walked around impersonating Tom Selleck! What a riot!”

The following weeks would dissolve from cute childish fancy to downright obsession. He would take the Sunday funnies, and the weekly Kmart circular and draw mustaches upon the lips of every female. His sisters would wake up with sharpie handlebars on a weekly basis. “What a freak he was! He ruined my chance with Rex right before the Radish Festival ball”, recounts older sister Violet.

It became apparent that Langdon couldn’t even fathom a girl as attractive without sporting some upper lip hair. He tried dating girls in high school, but even after the long-term trust building period, Langdon would eventually pull out the undercover spy mustache or his pair of Groucho Marx novelty glasses.
“I saw no problem acting out their fantasies, so why not mine? Why not mine?”, sobbed Langdon.

The young man just isolated himself further and further, as the obsession increased. He would only leave the house periodically to sneak into Macy’s displays to add cartoonish mustaches to the mannequins. He was notorious in his hometown for hitting every movie poster the night they were placed.

Langdon decided it was time to act once in college. He recently placed various ads on all the social networking sites and dating services asking, “Are you my L.H.O.O.Q.-alike?” Many users on Facebook have been downright patronizing. One user implores Langdon to “Get a freakin’ life! No self-respecting woman wears a mustache!” Another says more of the same: “Why would a beautiful woman waste her looks on your pathetic fetish?”

Still, Langdon remains undeterred. “Think about it, that dude with the lizard ball piercings, and the guy with the puzzle piece tattoo covering his entire body. They both have girlfriends. Why can’t I just get a beautiful woman to start hormone therapy and grow a damn mustache for me? Is it too much to ask? C’mon!”

Friday, November 16, 2007

"Major Preppy Kid" Shops at local Hot Topic

By Mr. Littlejeans

Scranton, IL- Local teenagers were taken aback last week, when a young man that was dressed in what could only be described as "totally Abercrombie" sauntered into a local Hot Topic, a store specializing in alternative fashion and novelty t-shirts. The incident was deemed "soo not cool" and a "total buzz kill" by several goth and emo kids that were shopping there at the time.

Twenty year old store manager Fletcher McBride was one of the many left in awe. "He was wearing a sweater and his hair was combed," recalls McBride. "He actually looked happy. In my two months here as manager, I have yet to see anything like it." Aaron Stevens, a fifteen year old who enjoys crying in the dark while listening to AFI, decided to address the situation head on. Stevens approached the preppy customer and told him "the Gap is that way" while pointing to another part of the mall. He and his friends shared a laugh, only to remember five seconds later that they hated the world and should not be showing joy of any kind.

Many are wondering just how exactly this will affect business at Hot Topic. Trisha McMahon, an eleventh grade goth girl, offered her opinions. "This store was so much cooler when you couldn't find the entrance. It kept the riff-raff away," she proclaimed. "Now that anyone can just walk in and buy a Yellowcard shirt, it's so much less cool."

McBride, on the other hand, is trying to view the matter positively. "More than half the kids that come here are poseurs anyways, so I don't think it's a big deal if one or two preppies pop in occasionally," says McBride. When asked if he thought the preppies should stick to shopping at their own stores, McBride replied, "Hey man, I just work here."

Copyright 2004 Neo Freudian Collective

Walgreen's Cashier Has Opinions

By Fenton Mewley

Cheesequake, NJ- Teenaged Brandy Larson, who runs the front register at the local Walgreen's Pharmacy, has been making quite a go of her newfound employment as a cashier. "I work Mondays and Wednesdays after school. Sometimes I even come in on the weekend if they're really short-handed," said Larson as she rung up a carton of Whoppers for an elderly gentleman.

Marc Spinson, who works at Bank of America, recently purchased some cigarettes while Larson was working. He tells the Neo Freudian Collective, "Yeah, I asked for a pack of Lucky Strikes and , instead of handing them to me, she explained to me how smoking was mega bad. Causes cancer of the larynx and such. I had to ask her several times before she let me pay for them and get home to my wife."

Spinson frequents the Walgreen's because it is very close to where he works. "Sometimes she gives me a hard time about rooting for the Eagles or tells me that my haircut is stupid. I guess it's nice that she cares so much."

Larson describes herself as a very outgoing person. "I love communicating with customers and giving advice. Like the other day, this old woman wanted to guy this lipstick but I told her it would make her look like a whore."

The Walgreen's shift manager, Bettie Dubois, spoke fondly of young Larson. "She really seems to have a rapport with her customers. It's more than just a job for her," Dubois said.

"I mean, earning money and being responsible is very important. I need to save up as much cash as I can because when I'm eighteen, I am so moving out. My step mom is such a bitch," remarked Larson as a young man handed her one dollar for a Snickers bar. Larson continued, "The only lousy part of this job is the music they play over the store intercom. I have to listen to all this gay-ass 80's shit. If they don't start playin' some Jessica Simpson, I'm so outta here."

Copyright 2004 Neo Freudian Collective

Thursday, November 15, 2007

FROM THE VAULT: Crisis in Water Treatment: the Watertower Abuse Scandal

By Ralph Dollinger & MJF

Toledo, OH- This past Wednesday, a group of 14 women brought a class action lawsuit that promises to be the first of many, against Jeep for the firm's apparent unwillingness to fire or at least severely reprimand the Jeep water tower. "At first, I kind of liked the attention," confessed plant cafeteria cashier Sarah Harking, a partner in the suit. "But after awhile I started to feel dirty. No matter what I did, I found I could not cleanse the pain." A locker search of the tower's belongings yielded pictures of 11 Jeep employees, and a video of underage water coolers in compromising positions.

The Neo Freudian Collective tried desperately to contact Jeep officials on this matter but their lawyers declined an interview. Toledo mayor Carty Finkbeiner was candid on his views of Jeep's unwillingness to be forthright with all information. "Basically the question we should be asking is, what is Jeep hiding?"

Mary Atkinson, a sophomore studying art at the University of Toledo was among the first to step forward and expose what too many have hid for much too long. "I lived across from the 'Vermilion Sailors' tower for years. I never had reason to suspect it would do anything to hurt me."

That belief proved false on the morning of Valentines Day, 2002. The tower could be seen from her bathroom window. And she could be seen undressing for almost every shower she's taken growing up. "I rememer getting in the shower for a date that night. The tower just stood there across the street...nothing unusual. When I stepped out halfway through to get some apricot facial scrub, the tower was pressed up against my window, leaking. I've never felt so violated!"

One particularly troubling incident involves Findlay's water tower, affectionately referred to as "Sparkles". This twisted tower made a move one summer night. "We were starting a campfire when Sparkles invited us under for marshmallows and a sing along of 'My Ding-a-Ling'", recalls Anthony (whose last name is withheld for legal purposes). Anthony and his boyhood friends were camping out at the time. "Timmy had to go peepee and decided to duck behind Sparkles. Next thing we know, he's running out from behind the tower with his pants pulled halfway up and crying."

These incidents have caused a national backlash and quick steps have been made to pass legislation. Many front running presidential candidates including former Senator Mike Gravel have used it in their campaigns to gain precious votes. "We need to take a stand now. I don't understand how President Bush could drag his feet on this issue." Congress plans to follow Toledo's new zoning law banning the construction of water towers within 500 yards of a public school building. "This has gone far enough," said one distraught area mother of two. "I shouldn't have to make myself sick worrying my children will be gawked at like a sex object every time they pass that damn water tower!"

The backlash isn't all positive: Three weeks ago two inner city water towers were defiled with spray paint. Diane Feinstein (D, California) is pushing the Citizens for the Prevention of Water tower Profiling (CPWP) Bill to protect against a prejudiced precedent against innocent water towers.

Some people don't think the measures against the towers go far enough to be effective- or fair. Towers, instead of being dismantled or demolished, are simply shuffled around from city to city. "I remember driving through Defiance one day", recollects an area father, "and saying to my wife how familiar the city's water tower looked. Then I remembered, it was the same damn tower that molested me when I was growing up in Painesville Township 40 years ago!"

An outspoken Catholic priest had much to say on the subject. "Why is it that these towers can flagrantly molest God's children and receive what basically amounts to a slap on the wrist, but if I so much as shake an altar boy's hand I get hauled off to the Vatican to spend the rest of my life cleaning the papal toilets? Could someone please explain to me how this is fair?"

Whatever action taken against the towers, we must not lose sight of the fact that consoling the victims is our immediate priority. In such a time of crisis, everybody wants to focus on the criminal and not those suffering. In the words of one survivor, "Every time I flush that toilet, my haunted memories flood up to the surface and I realize my innocence is also spiraling down the drain along with my feces."

Copyright 2004 Neo Freudian Collective